I woke up this morning with a sickening feeling, I had a nightmare in which I had a very bad grade in my semester results. So I woke up said a little prayer and went online to check my results and lo and behold I saw a little C+ perched under a course called Practicals in Psychology. How do I always feel when something terrible is about to happen? Do I have clairvoyant skills?
To tell the truth this sickening feeling in my stomach has been existant for about two weeks now, it left for a few days and now its back because of this silly grade. It was as if the universe was determined to give me a hard week.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years....
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I love him, I think he is the perfect soulmate for me yet I have a 'but' I can´t shake off. I don´t like the way we communicated(1st but). In my opinion it became to mechanical and monotonous the last few months, it was as if we were each doing it because it was recquired of us. Also, we saw ourselves less and less. He become more like a friend or even an acquaintance.(2nd but)
I thought about how to break it to him without hurting his feelings or breaking mine, spent weeks thinking about it, praying about it and ignoring it. All the while I knew it was impending.
I asked whether we could meet and talk but it wasn´t possible because of his work schedule (3rd but) so we finally decided to talk over the phone which I must say I didnt quite like. We talked for an hour, I said sorry if I ever hurt him and even asked him to tell me what three things I should change about my character and if he had any ideas on how to make this relationship work. He said ' the decision is yours whatever you decide I am fine with it' that he had made himself psychologically prepared for either way ; whether we continued together or broke up. At one point my ex said he was going to delete the first love message I sent to him. I asked 'why?' He said is a way of moving on and getting himself together. Those words pierced my heart.
The conversation ended with him saying ' Adom if you are done I will like to go to bed now'.
After a few days of losing my appetite , having insomnia and doubting my decision. A question came to my mind. Why do people after breaking up burn pictures of their patners and destroy everything that proves that they once had a love relationship? In my opinion that is ungratefullness and denial. I decided I wont throw or destroy anything I will put everything in a box and keep it safe. Those 2 years where not wasted,it has formed who I am now. I have a learnt alot form him, I have learnt what it is to fall in love and get hurt. These processes are all part of life. Why erase them? Who knows what can happen in a few years?
Later was going through BBC's website and saw a story of a woman photographer who received a letter from her ex- announcing their break up. She didn't know how to react to it and asked friends to read it and explain it to her. She took pictures of their reactions whilst the read the letter and it is now an exposition portaying human feelings.Her break up later ended with Take care of yourself. I wish my break up conversation ended with 'Take care of yourself'.
N.B check these links
original letter: http://elizacoleman.blogspot.com/2009/07/random-acts-of-creativity.html
Story : http://virtualwallworld.blogspot.com/2011/12/sophie-calle-take-care-of-yourself.html
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